The ad showed up in my Facebook feed just a few days before Christmas. Oscar Mayer was looking to hire Wienermobile drivers. At last, my lifelong dream had come true!!! I would travel across the USA–not by horseback or covered wagon or steam locomotive, though I’ve always wanted to do those things, too—but in a 27-foot long, 11-foot high, eight-foot wide rolling hot dog.
No matter that I would turn 70 in just a matter of days. No matter that I hate to drive on the interstate or in big cities or any high-stress/high-traffic situation. No matter that navigation apps oftentimes frustrate me more than they help. Because I didn’t actually want to pilot the Wienermobile. I wanted to be the person who rode shotgun (or in this case, “shotbun”). I would keep the driver awake and entertained. I would be first out of the vehicle when we stopped, smiling and handing out wiener whistles and chatting up the crowd. I would help choose where we ate and where we stopped for the night.
My driver and I would visit fascinating places and meet fascinating people and I would take pictures and write down everything we heard and saw. Then I would put it all in a book, which would quickly rocket to the top of the New York Times bestseller list.
An outstanding plan, if I do say so myself.
Several of my Facebook friends, many of whom are also real-life friends, expressed interest in teaming up with me. Some volunteered to do all the driving, assuring me they didn’t mind high speeds and heavy traffic. I made a list of their names.
Then I began some serious in-depth research. I learned that the Wienermobile has been around since 1936. I learned that six Wienermobiles travel the country at one time, with two employees aboard each one. I learned that Weinermobiles have six comfortable seats and plenty of leg room, but no bedroom, bathroom or kitchen. I learned that people hired as “hotdoggers” for a one-year stint are paid an annual salary of $35,000 plus $150 a week for meals. All hotel expenses are covered, and the company provides full health benefits and 18 paid time-off days.
This was sounding better and better, especially when I discovered that I met several of the requirements for a successful candidate: bachelor’s degree, excellent communication skills, outgoing and friendly personality, willingness to work on major holidays and to appear on TV and radio, comfortable with daily travel and the ability to pass a physical exam and a drug and alcohol test.
Clearly, I was a shoo-in.
But then I read on. I learned that Oscar Mayer recruits on college campuses, not senior citizens centers. I learned that everyone hired has to take his or her turn driving. Though a CDL is not required, hotdoggers must demonstrate the ability to safely maneuver a large vehicle in all types of traffic situations. The worst news of all? Every year, more than a thousand people apply for the 12 available positions. So my odds for being hired are not so good after all. In fact, they’re abysmal.
I guess it’s on to plan B. I’ll use the Wienermobile tracker and try to figure out when it’s coming to a location near me. (It was in Oak Ridge in mid-January but I didn’t find that out until after the fact.) If and when I visit a Wienermobile in person, I’ll interview the hotdoggers and maybe get their autographs. I’ll take pictures. I’ll ask for a wiener whistle, which I’ll cherish forever.
If all that happens, you can bet I’ll write a story about it. That story likely won’t appear in the New York Times or the Washington Post or even The Tennessean, but I’m pretty sure this dear little newspaper will be happy to publish it.
And that’s good enough for me.
(February 1, 2025)